Save Your Marriage Without Talking

There are books around today that claim that you can save your marriage without talking about it. You might be wondering, does it work or is it all a bunch of garbage?

Well, I can't totally answer that question for you but I can tell you a little bit about how to save your marriage without talking about it.

As a woman, I sometimes get frustrated with the whole "men don't talk... get used to it" school of thought. I'm not a psychiatrist and I don't know what, if any, chemical or societal things come into play.

To me, we are all intelligent humans who should be able to communicate on an equal level.

I feel like I can talk and stay calm and be rational (p.s. not all women go insane every 28 days either and to accuse us of that is more than a little insulting. Especially if you do it in the middle of an argument!), why can't men?

The premise behind the not talking to fix your marriage school of thought seems to be that men and women are wired differently. They react differently.

For example, if a woman gets scared by the way her husband drives he will view that as a condemnation of his manhood, if I understand this correctly.

Then he will get angry and cold or he will drive even more aggressively to "show her".  According to what I read, this response is conditioned into men from a young age.

Apparently, when a women says that "we need to talk" a guy hears criticism and shuts down or gets angry and defensive.

I actually experienced that first hand with my ex husband. His mom was a little tough (yes, I'm being diplomatic) and he just couldn't seem to get that I wasn't her.

No matter how carefully I tried to talk about things, no matter how carefully I chose my moment (no, it's not a good idea to try to talk when either of you is tired or has had a bad day) he just didn't get it.

So, I"m sure a lot of what my thoughts  on this subject stem from my own frustration of years of basically being ignored.

I don't pretend to know about all the "hard wiring" that goes on with a man but it seems to me that as women we get more than our fair share of society telling us how we should react too.

Now, I have two grown children and one thing I have always told both of them was this: after a certain age you have to stop blaming your parents. It is time to grow up and own your own issues.

Personally, I think that should go for men and women too. Women, try to discuss worries and concerns with your husband. Stay calm and prove to him through your actions that he can open up to you and be safe.

And men, don't go all cave man on us. For the most part, we don't like it. Stop letting your mommy, or society, tell you how you should respond. As long as the woman in your life right now is treating you well, you have no excuse.

So, if you want to try to save your marriage without talking, it's up to you. But personally I think that talking, if done constructively, is the best way to solve issues and feel closer to one another.